This might be satire. Or not.

Dear Perplexed Single People of the World,

Have you ever noticed that the more doggedly you pursue someone romantically, the more likely that person is to just shrug it off and ignore you? And conversely, have you ever noticed that the less interested you are in the affections of an admirer, the more persistent that person becomes in acquiring your attention? While counterintuitive at first, this is no paranormal phenomenon. In fact, the explanation is so simple, it’s stupid.

Here is the single most important piece of dating advice you will ever receive: the more attracted you are to someone, the more mysteriously aloof you need to be towards that person. The trick is to act flirtatiously unimpressed—you’re mildly interested, but just barely. You could take it or leave it. It’s a fine line to walk.

Get her phone number, but hardly ever call. Get her to call you, but rarely answer. Don’t call her back immediately, if at all. If you run into her randomly somewhere, you’ve got five minutes to show her what she’s missing. Put on your best show, then ignore her for the rest of the night. The trick is to be an unattainable desire.

The biggest mistake you’ll always make is to try and paint yourself reliable, dependable, sincere, generous, sensitive, yada, yada, yada. It’s your first instinct, but it kills you every time, because all it does is scream “desperate loser creep.”

Make tentative plans, but totally flake out. When you finally do hang out, don’t make a move—you want her wondering why not. Talk about hanging out again sometime, but don’t follow up. The trick is to come off as if you have a million better things to do than bother with her.

What you want to do is knock her off her high horse.

A beautiful, charming, intelligent woman knows she is—she has no need for you to point it out for her like every other chump. She gets all the attention in the world—she doesn’t need your worship, too. She doesn’t want flowers, or thoughtful gifts, or doors held open, or romantic dates. The trick is to offer her something she can’t stand: casual indifference.

I know, I wish I were joking, too.